A Moment In Time

     Anticipation, anxiety, and nerves all grow into tremendous, uncontainable emotion as I walk towards our meeting point; the escalators on the third floor located by Lids. My heart quickens as he comes into my line of vision. I am still in complete awe that he had driven seven hours, one way, from Warroad to the Twin Cities only to walk around and shop with me for the evening. A smile creeps onto my face; not just any smile but rather, one that places my feelings on display for anyone who chooses to glance.

     I can't take my eyes off of him as we amble towards one another. He reminds me of a giant teddy bear that keeps me safe, and reminds me that I am never alone. There is a part of me that wants to run towards him and jump into his arms, but I keep my regular pace, and fight my emotions to stop working in over-drive. I wonder if he feels this way too or if I'm just a little bit crazy. The closer we get, he flashes a smile my direction and I know that if my feelings make me crazy, then he is crazy as well and that is just fine with me.
     Finally we share, "hello's," and begin walking aimlessly but I don't care because I'm here with him and I cannot remember a single time I have felt so blissfully happy. Occasionally we stop into a few stores to do a little shopping and make a few purchases. We walk past a Caribou Coffee and his eyes light up-of course we have to turn back. The girl behind the counter practically drools when he places the order, (she very clearly finds him attractive) and the little green jealousy monster creeps up on me. We sign our names on the, "Chalk Thoughts," board, which for some reason re-activates the butterflies in my chest.
     With all our talking, laughing, and teasing each other, the time flies faster than one could imagine and I realize it is almost time to leave so we go sit on the benches by the doors and wait for the rest of my classmates to show up. It appears as though everyone is going to be late which in this situation, I am completely okay with because I don't want the evening to end. As we wait, we talk about our night and how much fun we had with one another. The incident at Caribou Coffee somehow comes up and I tease him about how, "Coffee Girl," was so intrigued by his good looks and smooth way of talking. The realization hits that we never took a picture of the board on which we signed our names. We look at each other and at the same time, make a mad dash for the second floor, and back to Caribou Coffee. We take our picture and rush back to join the group.

     Sadness hangs in the air around us as we say our goodbye's, and part ways. The night may be over but in my heart I know it is the start of something great, something new, and something with the potential to go a long way if the two of us decide we want to continue down this path. We load onto the bus and make our way back to the hotel. The chatter around me seems to disappear as I replay the events from the night in my head. We reach the hotel- I go to my room, shower, brush my teeth, and crawl into bed knowing sweet dreams are to ensue!

Stuck. I feel stuck in a world I do not belong in. I gasp for the air my lungs desperately need but the water just keeps filling my lungs. Pouring and filling. Pouring and filling. The dark cloud that was once ever present above me has slowly made its way back to hover. The rain pounds down harder and harder, this time, there is no relief. No angel to save me. No angel to help me, to guide me, to hold me. No angel, just rain. The lightening begins and the thunder roars, shaking the ground beneath my feet. Shaking the ground, shaking me, and shaking every step of progress I have made. Shaking and shaking until the ground again, begins to crumble. My feet lose their grip and I'm thrown to my back. The crash sends pain screaming through my back, my head begins to pound. The pain is too much. I cannot get up. I'm stuck in this place. Bound by signed papers and green pieces of paper that are all too powerful. I need to get up, to go back. To leave those papers behind, to cut my losses and make my way back to where I belong. With no one around, there is no help. No one knows that I'm on the ground, stuck, and too weak to get back up. I need to go back, to find my angel. I need his love, I need his help. I need him there. I need to go back. I need to get up. To show him that I need to come back. I need to be there. I'm not strong enough to do this, not here, not now. I need my angel...but I can't get up without his help. I'm too ashamed to tell him that I've fallen once again. That yet again, I need his help. I need his love, I need his strength, and I need his wisdom to help me up. To hold me, and to love me until I've learned once again, to love myself. I don't know where to start, and I don't know how to tell him. I don't know. I'm stuck. Stuck in a world I do not belong in. I'm gasping for the air, the air my lungs desperately need but the water, the water, it just keeps filling my lungs. Drowning. Fighting. Drowning. Fighting. I can no longer breathe. My heart is slowing down. And the lights-the lights go out all around me as the earth beneath me swallows me inside.

The Hell Created

Everyone has their own picture of what life is like after death. Some say we return as something else, reincarnation. Some say we move on to a paradise of sorts. Some believe that nothing happens at all, that once you breathe your last breath, it's all over. Then there are those, like me, who believe in a Heaven and a Hell. Lately, however, many questions have been weighing heavily on my mind. Some say Hell is filled with fire, the darkest flame, burning into the pitch black hollows. Some say Hell is dark and the demons lurk in the corners, tearing at one's inner-being. Some people say there is endless pain and one's ears will bleed from the never-ceasing blood-curdling screams of agony. But me?  I think Hell is awfully quiet right now, black and empty, because all of the devils are here, on Earth. Adhering to Satan's demands. Demons lurk in the shadows of this world. Anywhere and everywhere they can. Ever-present in our every-day lives. Every aspect has been contaminated by these moral-less, heart-less beasts. Relationships between parents and children, boyfriends and girlfriends, husbands and wives, friends to friends...contaminated by wandering hearts and wandering eyes. Ripped at the seams by soul-less beings waiting for someone to destroy. Hell is everywhere. Those killing others, cheating, stealing, all these shameful acts make this place a dark hell itself. Some say it gets worse than this...and I suppose that's true, I just can't imagine any place darker, scarier, lonelier, and more painful than the hell created on Earth.